I spend many, many hours stood in my little booth watching the world go by, especially during the week when it’s quieter so I have time to ponder, get philosophical or imaginative, or just bitch quite frankly. The Grotto is surrounded by New Look, The Body Shop, SuperDry (?) and a boutique called Quiz which quite honestly entrances me, not least because they only have one CD, a dance CD, that they play over and over and over again but not quite loud enough so that I can hear the words. Anyway, Quiz sells clothes for small, thin women, that are a little garish for my taste but nonetheless I quite fancy myself in the gold lame dress that I think you would wear around your middle. It would start just above your nipples, depending how droopy or pert your boobs are, and end just below the knicker line (one hopes). Once I embarked upon puberty there was never a moment in my entire life where I could have worn such a frock. The last time I was a size 12 I WAS 12 and already 5 ft 6! But still…

So fancying myself as a bit of a fashionista yesterday afternoon I had a good look at what people were wearing and I’d like to offer some ‘Fashion Tips from an Elf’.

  1. If you have a big bum and small ankles ‘boyfriend trousers’ look stupid.
  2. Actually, all boyfriend trousers look stupid, especially green ones.
  3. Black ballet pumps and thick black tights make you look like you’re walking around in stocking feet. Impressive because I actually looked at you twice, Miss.
  4. In any case, unless you’re a 6 year old in a dance class, ballet pumps just look WRONG! No adult woman looks good in completely flat shoes. Big girls like myself look HIDEOUS in ballet pumps. It’s all about keeping things in proportion ladies.
  5. Wearing tracksuit bottoms, or whatever they are called these days, especially the grey sweatshirty type ones, make you look like you’ve just come out of the Nick. But maybe that’s my own private aversion … Not it isn’t! Don’t wear them!
  6. If you have any wobbly bits at all, any sweatshirty type material will just allow your flesh to judder in public. Don’t do it!
  7. The current trend for hair that looks like candy floss is not sexy. If anyone wanted to run their hands through your hair would it be sticky and tangley? Ugh *shudders*
  8. Fashion designers should look at kids’ clothes and make large scale versions. Kids look fab. All bright and colourful. I would like some purple boots with embroidered flowers in the shops next year thank you!
  9. Wearing droopy jeans and showing off your George at Asda pants is like, so yesterday?
  10. Gentleman, sad fact, unlike women you can wear anything you like. But, alack and alas, unless you’re devilishly handsome, or wearing a sharp suit, you’ll look scruffy anyway.

But I would like to congratulate all those Mums who turn up looking immaculate. Kudos!

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