My day so far ….
4.45 am. Rescue Dad’s watch from bedside table and chew it.
4.50 am. Wake Mum (owl ears) up and have it forcibly extracted from gob.
4.52 am. Plonked into garden for a wee
4.55 am. Cry because Mum doesn’t want to play (MEANIE!) and goes back onto her big basket WITHOUT inviting me
5.00 am. approx. Have a poo. Make the bungalow smell of warm pasties
5.01 am. Puppy happy hour (actually extended today)! Tear around like a loony! Yay!
6.15 am. Alarm goes off. Hear Mum n Dad uttering a collective groan.
6.27 am. Dad reluctantly gets out of bed. I chase him into the kitchen, eating his toes the whole way.
6.28 am Dad puts some food down for me.
6.29 am. I decide I prefer Dad’s toes.
6.30 am. Dad extricates himself from me and shuts me out of the bathroom. I cry.
6.31 am. Mum calls ‘Finley?’ and I dash over to her. I have learned my name. Everyone – except Satin and Betsy – is very impressed.
6.32 am. Mum hoists me onto the bed and I proceed to tear her hands to ribbons in spite of the chewie things she keeps offering me.
6.34 am. Dad brings tea and I try to have some. It’s hot. I decide not to bother.
6.35 am. I take it in turns to annoy Mum/Dad/Satin. I give Betsy a wide berth. She’s hormonal or something and hates my guts.
6.52 am. Satin farts. I’ve never heard a fart before. I inspect Satin carefully. Did someone let the air out of her? Is she going flat? Mum and Dad laugh and say she’s an old lady. I make careful notes.
7.00 am. News is on. I try to eat my Mum’s Kindle. She’s not happy. Dad gets up. I’m sad.
7.01 am. I fall asleep.
7.05 am. Mum has to get up because Betsy wants a wee now. I follow Betsy out. She drinks out of the water bowl outside. I watch her. I copy her. We drink together. Mum gets misty eyed. Silly moo. I wuvs big Betsy I do. Shame she hates me.
7.25 am. Dad goes out with the big dogs. I cry because I want to go. Mum goes in the shower. I cry because I want to get in with her.
7.26 am. I cry because I’m in the hall and I can’t find my Mum even though she’s still in the same place as she was one minute ago.
7.32 am. Mum turns the shower off and I finally hear her and come running. Exhilaration. She still loves me.
7.33 am. I try to eat Mum’s wet hair. She’s not amused.
7.35 am. I try and eat mum’s shorts while she’s putting them on. She’s not amused.
7.38 am. Mum walks to the kitchen and I bite her toes all the way. She’s not amused.
7.40 am. I demand food. She puts food in my bowl. I eat as though I’ve never been fed before.
7.40 am and 30 seconds. I lie on the kitchen floor and watch my Mum make a pot of tea/her lunch/her breakfast/sort out the worktop/throw things away/start washing up
8.10 am Mum burns her toast. It’s an interesting smell. She makes more toast.
8. 17 am. Mum puts mats in the washing machine that I’ve decorated in my own inimitable way. I like the washing machine. I sit and watch.
8.22 am. Mum sits down with her breakfast. I run around, empty a bin or two and then sit with her.
8.28 am. Betsy and Satin come home and get some toast. Hmmm. I make notes.
8.32 am. Mum ignores me. I watch her ignoring me for a while. Then I hear Dad making breakfast for himself so I go and repeat steps 7.40 am to 8.10 am.
8.50 am. Mum gets changed as she’s off to the shop. I try to hinder progress by holding on to her leggings as she puts them on. She’s not amused.
9.02 am. Mum is running late. I keep running through the door every time Mum tries to go. Mum asks Dad to hold onto me. He does for half a nanosecond and then I get free again. Mum’s very not amused with my Dad this time.
9.05 am. Mum leaves. I’m sad. Dad’s here though. I settle down for a nap.
11.00 am. Dad phones Mum in the shop for ‘instruction’. Apparently I have been napping since she left and been as good as gold. I bite Dad. He hangs up.
The day is going well so far….
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